If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
