fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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