I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
