and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
