i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
