Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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