Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
