Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
