You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
