Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
