just tell him i said nine months
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
