My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
