Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
When are your genitals available?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
