WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
