You're so nebulous sometimes
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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