She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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