kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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