i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
