She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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