i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize