when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
