all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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