you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize