I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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