I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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