Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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