Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
