just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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