you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
