That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize
