There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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