Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Randomize
