The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
