he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
