How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
