Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
