The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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