i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Blood and glitter go together right?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
