Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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