Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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