It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
