worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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