when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
