my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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