whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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