I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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