I wish I could punch you in the face.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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