i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
