my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
