i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
