So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
