Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
