got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize