A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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