My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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