I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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