we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
